itsuka

2007-05-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

"i've always thought about this for so many times. why i don't seem to find any joy in any of this. then i thought of you and remembered how happy i was when we were together. i still love you. do you know that?" it came out of him with out even taking another breath. it seems like i was dreaming when i heard the word i haven't heard from him for a very long time. i looked at the glasses of vodka he has been drinking. i counted five. then i counted my beers. it was too many for me to add up. then i realized that it was really just a dream.

i dreamnt of hearing those words from him. i lived the past two years dreaming about the same thing. it was stupid but that was all i could do to fill the void that occupied my heart.

i looked at his eyes. they were droopy. they were tipsy. he was drunk but i know he was telling me the truth. he took those words from the bottom of his heart and my heart felt it. it hurt.

i dont want to get hurt anymore. not by him. not by anybody.

six months ago i made the best decision of my life. i protected myself. i allowed my self to heal and never get hurt again.

now he's doing it all again. he tried pushing me. he wanted me to fall. but i held on. it was a desperate act of hanging because i know that the pit where i am going to crash would be empty. he will never be there to catch me.

i felt a tear roll down my face. he didnt notice.

"now thats the alcohol that's talking..." i forced those words out of my trembling voice. he started laughing and held my hands tight. he held my hands in front of the waiter. it felt new. like how i felt two years ago but i need to stop thinking of the past... of our past.

"we're drunk. we need to go home." i thought it would go on forever, but like everyday of my life i always need to go home.

2006-05-31T01:06:00.000-07:00

greenbelt fronted along the side of the car window with all its usual low lights and cozy atmosphere. the people were busy strolling around, looking for a nice place to eat or just mingle with their friends. my car parked just beside the entrance and i hurriedly went out of it while checking for the time on my mobile phone.

"just in time" i looked worriedly at the time while scanning the whole place for yoshi. starbucks was just ahead so i was expecting to see some ridiculously looking Japanese guy who had weird hair.

and i did.

i didnt approach him that instant and just decided to call him. "hello, yoshi. am already here." trying to sound as if i was looking for him.

"damianne! hello! am just outside the coffee shop, already had some drinks with me. where are you?" he said with a twang of the usual southern accent.

"where are you? am wearing a yellow collared shirt and blue jeans. am just right in front of the main door entrance." i said while i was seeing if he had the chance to find me. he got up from the small corner that surrounded the fountain at the middle of the promenade. he was wearing a blue shirt that seem to come right out of the laundry hamper and jeans that had creases all over them. the only thing that got my attention was his cool blue diesel sneakers. his usual weird hair stood out of the crowd. he was searching for me while sipping his cold white frapp.

"there you are. how are you damianne?" he jumped in front of me. i suddenly felt lost, as if i am talking to this person that i havent met before. he was smiling at me, but i know that he felt my anxiety.

"hey there! am starving. where do you want to eat?" i pushed my thoughts aside and touched the side of his arms trying to take away any strange thoughts that he might have.

"i think its better to just grab a bite over there and figure out what are we gonna do next." i pointed to the first restaurant that i could see and we ended up going inside "Kitchen".

i prayed not to see anybody i know inside the resto while yoshi was looking for a seat. we were guided under a low lighted dining table that looked more of a canteen table rather than an exclusive table for two. a guy in black apron stood beside us and seem to have a hard time starting to speak to ask for our order.

"i presume you are the waiter?" yoshi facetiously asked the guy who, god knows what he's thinking, was still intently standing beside us. i took the menu clipped at his side and gave the other one to yoshi.

"ill order pasta... am starving..." i said immediately without even looking at the menu. "... and diet pepsi please."

hiroshi was trying hard to look at the pictures, that i think to him was sort of an out of this world cuisine.

"what do u think is good here?" he asked while still nailed to the menu right in front of his face.

"well, the pasta is good but i already ordered one so i guess you should try something else." i realized that what i just suggested was utterly coming from a low class third world type of guy, but i tried to redeem myself. "but if you're not too hungry, their salads are good and i've tried their house wine, its great... australian marlot."

"hmmm... ill just get this rice meal and a glass of wine please." he indicatively asked the waiter and gave him back the menu.

there was a short moment of silence between the two of us, while my thoughts were suspended into an air of uncertainty.

"so how are you?" both of us spilled out that cut the eerie silence and was converted into a quite giggle.

"it was nice to see you again damianne." yoshi said with a genuine air of delight to have seen me again.

we were catching up on the things that didnt matter. we talked about work and we talked about copenhagen. the meal arrived after 20 minutes of small chat and we slowly had our dinner while still continuing with stress free talk.

i didnt notice how long we were eating and chatting until i realized that his wine glass was almost empty. yoshi raised his hand to call for the waiter and asked for water.

"could i have a glass of water, please." his mixed accent poured with such an unintelligible sound that the waiter stood there trying to figure out what came out of his mouth. then without any hesitation the waiter looked at me and asked me what yoshi wanted.

"TUBIG DAW!!!" my raised sarcastic voice pierced thru the buzz that filled the resto. i made it quite clear to the waiter what yoshi wanted with the best filipino acent i could muster.

the dinner ended with a hanging thought in my mind to where we will go next. i didnt knew where to go but he seemed to have everything planned out. he held my hand in front of the waiter while we were about to go out of the resto and headed straight to the cinema lobby.

i was in the brink of bursting a crazy laugh when the first movie poster i saw was "MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA"

"you got to be kidding me?" i looked at him with a sarcastic grin while i was pulling him towards the counter to get some tickets.

"i havent seen this one... two tickets please." he told the lady at the counter as he put his hands on top of my head and smothered my hair. the lady at the counter tried to hide her smile. "im sure youre going to enjoy this..."

i thought the night already started but i didnt know that the dark and cold theatre will be a start of something that i have waited for all my life.

2006-04-26T07:17:00.000-07:00

it was selfish of me, but i never wanted to let him go. i just want to hold his hands tight and keep him beside me. but i know it would not last... but still, am trying to hold on... hold on to his sweet smile and his warm embrace... no one would ever imagine my being this way... no one ever could imagine that i could fall so much and so deep...

sometimes when you dont think you are capable of doing something, it just takes one person to make you realize that you could do the impossible. as for me it started when yoshi messaged me through his mobile phone and asked me if it was possible for us to have dinner one saturday night. i was hesitant to reply because of how casual he invited me for dinner.

i guess he was just being the japanese/canadian/australian guy that he grew up to be. even so, i replied for him to call me first and maybe i could at least know how he sounds like over the phone and have a little bit of hint of what kind of guy he is.

"hello... may i speak to damianne please." yoshi's voice sounds as if struggling to get each english word out of his japanese tongue.

"this is he... yoshi? hi there... where are you?" i have nothing else to say hence the first question that popped out of my head.

"im about to leave the office. its a bit wierd that you wanted me to call, because we could talk later over dinner." his questioning voice became more of australian accent now. "so... are you available later for dinner and maybe some drinks?"

"i just got home and a bit hungry, dinner is perfect. maybe we could have dinner at greenbelt. do you know where that is?"my excitement was uncontainable, i just hope he didnt notice.

"of course i know that place. i live in makati" he spilled out while trying not to laugh. " ive been working for more than a year now in manila, so i know my way around the common places here. so i guess i should be going home to fix up and il meet you later at greenbelt for dinner.ok?"

"sure, ill see you there" i clicked the end button of my mobile phone first, hoping that he didnt take it as a rude thing and started to fix myself a bit and waited for the driver to drive me to makati.

i didnt know what i was feeling on my way to greenbelt. ive been trying to find a comfortable place at the back of the car but my hesitation and enthusiasm couldnt jive inside my head.

my mobile phone rang and it displayed yoshi's number

"hello." i answered quickly

"hi damianne. where are you?" yoshi sounded a bit tipsy. his words have this curled sound at the end of his question.

"am already in buendia. are you in greenbelt?" i tried looking for any landmarks that i could give to let him know how near i am at greenbelt. " sorry if i made you wait. i live in manila all my life but i could never make right assumptions when it comes to traffic in EDSA"

"its ok damianne. am having coffee now at starbucks here at greenbelt. am just gonna wait for you outside, alright? ill just hang out beside the fountain. bye bye. see you in awhile." the phone was cut right after that last word.

i have been meeting a lot of guys before for the same dinner date like this one but it seems that this is different...

and i was totally right when i said that this was really different...

you will always be my one... itsumo...

2006-04-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

i remember the time when i first saw him. it must have been a few months ago but it seemed longer. then i have tried thinking of how many times i've stared through his eyes and how many times i tried to figure out how he feels.

i tried so hard to see through him.

i tried so hard. his every smile... every moment he grins ... every time he held my hand... every time he touches my nape with his soft kisses...

it was so hard to think of him again... to think of how much i wanted to be with him, even though i dont know if he feels the same way...i tried to remember the time when i felt happy... the time
when i was happy without him... but i cant remember that feeling anymore... it was so hard to remember happiness without him...

i tried harder to think back but the farthest i could remeber was when i was lost in one of those remote sections of a bookstore at rockwell...piles of books everywhere...i was looking for a book where i could find a nice place to spend my vacation... i finally decided to get out of manila after a year of doing nothing but work...i didnt have anybody at that time... just me... no one and nothing really mattered that much so it was easy for me to just do some crazy things like plan something today and then turn my schedule around the next day.

i looked around to see maps and city guides where i could go for a relaxing getaway... my eyes was scanning at every book cover that just happen to be within my sight...

"copenhagen..." i read aloud, not knowing what i just did. his eyes glided away from the book and stared at me. i just put myself in middle of an unbearable embarassment when i read the cover of a manual that the guy who's standing beside me was holding.

"have you been there?" he asked. i felt my face turned hot. i knew i was blushing. i still didnt understand why i have to read out a signle word so loud.

"no... am sorry i was just thinking out loud." i struggled to get that out of my breath while i was thinking of the next sentence to say. "but i bet its nice there, scandanavian countries are fabulous places you know. you plan to go there?"

'fabulous????' of all the words in the english language, why do i have to use that obviously faggot word.

"am trying to figure out if it would be fit for me to go there without having to worry about having some scotish guy breathing down my neck for some piece of me" he bluntly let
the words out of his mouth while he had this peculiar grin on his face. "you know how they got the hots for asian boys"

i have to admit he was cute, in some degree. fair skin, wierd hair, eyebrows that have been well maintained and chinky eyes.he had a very distinct feature of an oriental boy, maybe a mixture of japanese and chinese but his accent was as if he lived in europe all his life.

it was sometime when ive realized that he began looking at me with a question in his head.i was staring long enough that he had noticed it. "am sorry but i havent really met any scottish guys... i mean... not in that sense..." i had been pausing too much, trying to think of the right thing to say. "but id love to meet someone... someday."

he smiled and was about to give a short giggle when he was called by some other guy from the other side of the bookstore. "i have to go, i'm YOSHI by the way" he bowed just like a typical japanese and he stretched out his hands towards me.

"i'm DAME... it was nice meeting you sir, maybe someday ill see you in copenhagen..." i reached for his hand and held it tight... he drew a raised eyebrow on his face and shook my hand gently.

"copenhagen maybe a long shot for us, here's my number... call me sometime maybe we could discuss places and finally decide on what place to go." he handed me his card and walked towards the mall's main lobby.