it was selfish of me, but i never wanted to let him go. i just want to hold his hands tight and keep him beside me. but i know it would not last... but still, am trying to hold on... hold on to his sweet smile and his warm embrace... no one would ever imagine my being this way... no one ever could imagine that i could fall so much and so deep...

sometimes when you dont think you are capable of doing something, it just takes one person to make you realize that you could do the impossible. as for me it started when yoshi messaged me through his mobile phone and asked me if it was possible for us to have dinner one saturday night. i was hesitant to reply because of how casual he invited me for dinner.

i guess he was just being the japanese/canadian/australian guy that he grew up to be. even so, i replied for him to call me first and maybe i could at least know how he sounds like over the phone and have a little bit of hint of what kind of guy he is.

"hello... may i speak to damianne please." yoshi's voice sounds as if struggling to get each english word out of his japanese tongue.

"this is he... yoshi? hi there... where are you?" i have nothing else to say hence the first question that popped out of my head.

"im about to leave the office. its a bit wierd that you wanted me to call, because we could talk later over dinner." his questioning voice became more of australian accent now. "so... are you available later for dinner and maybe some drinks?"

"i just got home and a bit hungry, dinner is perfect. maybe we could have dinner at greenbelt. do you know where that is?"my excitement was uncontainable, i just hope he didnt notice.

"of course i know that place. i live in makati" he spilled out while trying not to laugh. " ive been working for more than a year now in manila, so i know my way around the common places here. so i guess i should be going home to fix up and il meet you later at greenbelt for dinner.ok?"

"sure, ill see you there" i clicked the end button of my mobile phone first, hoping that he didnt take it as a rude thing and started to fix myself a bit and waited for the driver to drive me to makati.

i didnt know what i was feeling on my way to greenbelt. ive been trying to find a comfortable place at the back of the car but my hesitation and enthusiasm couldnt jive inside my head.

my mobile phone rang and it displayed yoshi's number

"hello." i answered quickly

"hi damianne. where are you?" yoshi sounded a bit tipsy. his words have this curled sound at the end of his question.

"am already in buendia. are you in greenbelt?" i tried looking for any landmarks that i could give to let him know how near i am at greenbelt. " sorry if i made you wait. i live in manila all my life but i could never make right assumptions when it comes to traffic in EDSA"

"its ok damianne. am having coffee now at starbucks here at greenbelt. am just gonna wait for you outside, alright? ill just hang out beside the fountain. bye bye. see you in awhile." the phone was cut right after that last word.

i have been meeting a lot of guys before for the same dinner date like this one but it seems that this is different...

and i was totally right when i said that this was really different...

you will always be my one... itsumo...

i remember the time when i first saw him. it must have been a few months ago but it seemed longer. then i have tried thinking of how many times i've stared through his eyes and how many times i tried to figure out how he feels.

i tried so hard to see through him.

i tried so hard. his every smile... every moment he grins ... every time he held my hand... every time he touches my nape with his soft kisses...

it was so hard to think of him again... to think of how much i wanted to be with him, even though i dont know if he feels the same way...i tried to remember the time when i felt happy... the time
when i was happy without him... but i cant remember that feeling anymore... it was so hard to remember happiness without him...

i tried harder to think back but the farthest i could remeber was when i was lost in one of those remote sections of a bookstore at rockwell...piles of books everywhere...i was looking for a book where i could find a nice place to spend my vacation... i finally decided to get out of manila after a year of doing nothing but work...i didnt have anybody at that time... just me... no one and nothing really mattered that much so it was easy for me to just do some crazy things like plan something today and then turn my schedule around the next day.

i looked around to see maps and city guides where i could go for a relaxing getaway... my eyes was scanning at every book cover that just happen to be within my sight...

"copenhagen..." i read aloud, not knowing what i just did. his eyes glided away from the book and stared at me. i just put myself in middle of an unbearable embarassment when i read the cover of a manual that the guy who's standing beside me was holding.

"have you been there?" he asked. i felt my face turned hot. i knew i was blushing. i still didnt understand why i have to read out a signle word so loud.

"no... am sorry i was just thinking out loud." i struggled to get that out of my breath while i was thinking of the next sentence to say. "but i bet its nice there, scandanavian countries are fabulous places you know. you plan to go there?"

'fabulous????' of all the words in the english language, why do i have to use that obviously faggot word.

"am trying to figure out if it would be fit for me to go there without having to worry about having some scotish guy breathing down my neck for some piece of me" he bluntly let
the words out of his mouth while he had this peculiar grin on his face. "you know how they got the hots for asian boys"

i have to admit he was cute, in some degree. fair skin, wierd hair, eyebrows that have been well maintained and chinky eyes.he had a very distinct feature of an oriental boy, maybe a mixture of japanese and chinese but his accent was as if he lived in europe all his life.

it was sometime when ive realized that he began looking at me with a question in his head.i was staring long enough that he had noticed it. "am sorry but i havent really met any scottish guys... i mean... not in that sense..." i had been pausing too much, trying to think of the right thing to say. "but id love to meet someone... someday."

he smiled and was about to give a short giggle when he was called by some other guy from the other side of the bookstore. "i have to go, i'm YOSHI by the way" he bowed just like a typical japanese and he stretched out his hands towards me.

"i'm DAME... it was nice meeting you sir, maybe someday ill see you in copenhagen..." i reached for his hand and held it tight... he drew a raised eyebrow on his face and shook my hand gently.

"copenhagen maybe a long shot for us, here's my number... call me sometime maybe we could discuss places and finally decide on what place to go." he handed me his card and walked towards the mall's main lobby.